Ok, maybe you are wondering what in the world is self-abandonment and what has this got to do with cancer? So first, I want to assure you, that what I am going to discuss in this post is very real and I believe many women with a cancer diagnosis will find they are doing these things and have been doing them for years. I know I was.
Your mental health is crucial to be able to heal from cancer permanently! It significantly influences how well you can cope with the diagnosis and treatments. This is not just about thinking positively either. There are deeper issues that may need to be addressed and self-abandonment could be one of them. Many women, myself included, have mental health issues, but never really get to the root causes to fix the problems.
That is one of the reasons I am writing this post. You can’t fix a problem if you don’t know about it. I hope this information may open your eyes to some habits and behaviors you might be doing that are creating stress in your life that you can change. I think it could make a big difference in your healing journey, I know it has for me.
First I will go over what self-abandonment is. Then I will talk about the consequences of this as it pertains to your mental and physical health. Last, I will tell you ways to start to address these behaviors and take your life back to become your true, authentic self again.
WHAT IS SELF-ABANDONMENT?
At its core, self-abandonment occurs when you neglect your own needs, desires and well-being to please others. It is a behavior pattern often deeply ingrained in your daily life, leading you to say “yes” when you truly mean “no”, neglecting your personal needs and often feeling guilty when attempting to take care of yourself.
You also abandon yourself when you don’t value yourself, when you don’t act in your own best interests and when you don’t encourage and comfort yourself.
Many times these deep-seated beliefs were formed in childhood. Let’s face it, as women, we were raised to be caregivers. We were taught to put other’s needs before our own and if we didn’t, we were being selfish. We were not supposed to complain or express anger or other negative emotions. We became people pleasers. While this is very noble and good in a lot of ways, it can also have a dark side.
In the process of being so perfect and good and taking care of others, did you lose yourself? Do you know what you want or like or are passionate about anymore? Has your life essentially revolved around others, while you neglected yourself?
WAYS YOU MAY BE ABANDONING YOURSELF
- Do you or have you consistently prioritized the needs and desires of others over your own?
- Have you neglected basic self-care like healthy eating, exercise and rest?
- Have you felt guilty or selfish for considering your own needs and self-care?
- Do you ignore personal health, passions and projects due to fear of disapproval?
- Is your sense of worth tied to your usefulness or acceptance by others?
- Have you ignored painful emotions and feelings and stuffed them down instead of addressing them?
- Do you find yourself overthinking and ruminating about how to please others?
- Do you let others make decisions for you or take advantage of you?
- Do you have a hard time trusting yourself?
- Do you diminish or discount your feelings because you think they don’t really matter?
- Do you impose painfully high standards upon yourself, are you a perfectionist?
- Do you feel unworthy or have low self-esteem?
- Do you hide parts of who you really are, giving up on your interests, goals and dreams for someone else’s?
- Do you seek validation from others rather than valuing your own beliefs and values?
- Do you engage in negative self-talk and put yourself down a lot?
- Do you forget about your personal boundaries in order to make someone else happy?
- Do you find yourself looking for distractions (TV, phone, shopping, self-medicating), rather than dealing with painful feelings?
- Do you always need to be busy and accomplishing things in order to feel good about yourself?
These are some of the behaviors and habits that come from chronic self-abandonment. If you are someone who this strikes a cord with, keep reading.
CONSEQUENCES OF SELF-ABANDONMENT
These self-destructive behaviors can have profound impacts on your physical and mental health over time.
Here are some of the ways this happens.
CHRONIC STRESS
Stress is a normal part of everyday life. It’s when our bodies sense a threat and go into fight or flight mode by activating the sympathetic nervous system. Cortisol and adrenaline are released, which have impacts on the body. Once the stressful event is over, our bodies should go back to normal, but this is not what happens.
When we are taking on too much, never saying no and neglecting our own needs, this normal stress becomes an all day, every day problem. A common example of this, is when we become caregivers for family members like elderly parents because we feel it is our responsibility and we love them. We don’t realize the major implications this could have on our health. Did you know that 60% of unpaid caregivers are women? Continue reading for more on this below.
With chronic stress, our bodies are constantly in fight or flight mode and can never relax and return to a normal baseline. We may not even realize this is happening. Over time, this can lead to many problems, such as the following:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Digestive problems
- Headaches
- Muscle tension and pain
- Heart disease, heart attack, high blood pressure and stroke
- Sleep problems
- Weight gain
- Problems with memory and focus
Chronic stress can also lead to inflammation. As you know by now, inflammation creates a favorable environment for tumors to grow and spread.
Stress can suppress the immune system. High cortisol levels can suppress the activity of natural killer cells and other white blood cells, which are critical in detecting and destroying cancer cells.
In one study they found that caregiving for a family member with dementia fit the formula for chronic stress so well that it is being used as a model for studying the health effects of chronic stress!
In this study, they reported that, the caregiver may experience effects such as psychological distress, impaired health habits, physiologic responses, psychiatric illness, physical illness and even death! Read More
Here is another report, which showed that chronic stress can induce tumorigenesis and promote cancer development. It is so important that we become aware of this and make necessary changes to take care of ourselves again. Read More
POOR LIFESTYLE CHOICES
When you abandon yourself, you may not eat healthy or get regular exercise and good sleep. You may take on more responsibility than you can handle, filling up your already busy schedule with more, because you can’t say no.
Did you know that “being busy” can be a coping mechanism and that you can become addicted to being busy? I know this was true for me. Read this brief, eye-opening article to learn more about this coping strategy and how it can affect your health.
Some women may turn to substances like smoking, drinking or taking prescription drugs like anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications. Rather than try to find the root cause of the anxiety or depression and address that, they take drugs to mask the symptoms and cope with life. I did this.
Neglecting to take care of yourself can exacerbate the biological impacts of chronic stress leading to illness and cancer.
MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS
Chronic self-neglect often leads to severe mental health disorders such as anxiety, depression and sometimes even addictions or suicidal tendencies.
An inability to recognize one’s own needs and a perpetual cycle of people-pleasing often leads to resentment and burnout. Over time, this neglect can block your understanding of your own emotional needs and desires. This complicates your ability to maintain your mental health and engage in self-care practices effectively.
Bottled up emotions or unresolved trauma, over time, can manifest as physical problems. Studies show that mental health issues increase the risk of high blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes, as well as autoimmune disease and cancer.
After cancer treatment, mental health remains a significant concern. Many cancer survivors experience emotional distress, including fear of recurrence, post-traumatic stress, depression and anxiety. Addressing mental health is important not just during active treatment but also in the survivorship phase, as it can impact long-term health outcomes and quality of life.
DELAYED MEDICAL ATTENTION
Neglecting yourself might mean ignoring early warning signs of illness, delaying diagnosis and treatment. It may also mean you don’t get the medical tests and treatments you really need in order to get well because you don’t feel worthy or you don’t want to be a burden on others.
PRACTICAL STEPS TO OVERCOME SELF-ABANDONMENT
Now that you recognize this condition of abandoning yourself, you don’t have to stay there. You can take action to address these issues and improve your health. If you are a caregiver for someone else, these steps will be especially important. You need to take care of yourself first and recharge your batteries if you want to be able to give to others in a meaningful way.
Here are 10 things you can do to take your life back. Being true to yourself can lead to a happier and more fulfilling life and most of all, better health!
- Set boundaries Learn to say no to tasks that drain you or to things you really don’t want to do. Don’t feel like you have to give an excuse either. A simple “no” is all that is necessary. People will understand. It’s important when you say no that you don’t feel guilt or shame about it, you are taking back your life! This one will be really hard for some, but I encourage you to try it out with little things and see how you feel. You can get better at this.
- Stand up for yourself Letting others walk all over you is saying their needs and wants matter more than yours. Don’t accept disrespect, invalidation and blame because you don’t think you are worthy. You are worthy and do not deserve to be treated that way. Never let anyone abuse you!
- Regularly check in with yourself Ask yourself how you are feeling and what you need throughout the day. If you listen, your feelings will tell you what you need and when your needs are met you’ll feel happier and healthier.
- Be yourself! Don’t shrink or change to please others. Really express who you are through creative pursuits, your hairstyle and clothing, hobbies and passion projects. If you are completely out of touch with yourself, take some time first to rediscover what you like and what matters to you.
- Prioritize self-care Choose physical activities you enjoy and get regular exercise. Is it pickleball, walking, yoga or Zumba? Do that! Maybe it’s just dancing to music in your living room, all the better! Start eating real whole foods and get off junk foods. Your body will thank you. Make sleep a priority. Start doing activities that relax the mind and body and bring joy. Read a good book, take a bath, meditate, work on your hobbies, spend time with a loved one or just do nothing!
- Practice self-compassion Treat yourself as you would a dear friend or loved one. Everyone deserves care and comfort when they are suffering and you are no exception. You are probably really good at doing this for others, but minimize your own struggles and fail to love yourself when you need it most. Don’t beat yourself up anymore or think you have to be perfect. You don’t. Give yourself grace.
- Remember gratitude Thinking of things you are grateful for and counting your blessings every day works wonders to find joy and peace again and calm down the nervous system.
- Start to trust yourself again Anything that involves self-care, self-exploration or expressing yourself is a step in the right direction. If you are making decisions out of fear, guilt, shame, timidity or other negative emotions, you are in self-abandonment mode.
- Seek professional help If you feel stuck, therapists, life coaches or holistic health practitioners can help. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help, it’s a sign of strength not of weakness.
- Ask for help from others Sometimes you need to ask for help. Trying to do everything yourself all the time is another form of self-abandonment. Can you hire a housekeeper part-time? Do you have adult children who could do some of your chores or shopping? Do you ask your husband for help around the house or to run errands? Asking for help is not a sign of weakness and you don’t have to do it all on your own.
By incorporating these steps into your life, you acknowledge the importance of your well-being and take active measures to improve the quality of your life. It may not be easy, but it will be so beneficial for your healing.
So, now I will ask you. How will you start to show up for yourself going forward? Will you listen to what your body and feelings are telling you? Will you do what feels right for you even if others disapprove? Will you comfort yourself when you’re having a hard time and prioritize self-care? Will you set boundaries without feeling guilty?
It doesn’t matter where you begin, just take one small step today to value yourself!
ONE THING YOU CAN DO TODAY TO CONTINUE ON YOUR HEALING JOURNEY
Today, I recommend that you do an exercise called the loving kindness meditation. Maybe you have heard of this. There are many different mantras, but I will give you one here.
- Sit quietly as though to meditate. Think of someone or something (like a pet) whom you love dearly with all your heart. Cultivate the feelings of love and care in your heart as you think of them.
- Now, focus those same feelings on yourself and repeat the following phrases
May I be held in lovingkindness. May I be happy and safe. May I be healthy in body and mind. May I always have enough. May my heart know peace.
- As you recite the phrases, hold a picture of yourself in your mind. It can be how you are now or from the past. Direct those feelings of love, compassion and kindness you felt for someone else towards yourself.
Now my wish for you: May you be held in lovingkindness. May you be happy and safe. May you be healthy in body and mind. May you always have enough. May your heart know peace.
Love and Blessings.
“The most important relationship in your life, is the relationship you have with yourself.” – Diane von Furstenberg